Hero Design: 2011

STEPS FOR MY PAMPHLET

How to Kill Some One and Not Get Caught

Welcome my friend to the path of madness, which you have casually wandered down. If you are reading this, you have decided to take up murder as a hobby. Well that’s just swell. You probably thinking that murder is crime, murder is ‘wrong’. Banish those thoughts from your tiny head you need not worry. Murder has been a recreational pass time for millennia; in fact murder has become so common that it’s practically a sport. Now murder is simple and fun way to solve almost any problem, wether you’re a disgruntled employee, an angry spouse, out for revenge or just plain messed up, murder is for you and if you follow these simple steps you’ll be able to do your deed and not get caught.

STEP 1: PLANNING

The key to any successful venture is planning, especially when it comes to murder. Now any monkey with half a brain can randomly commit a murder, but your not just any monkey. You my friend are a sophisticated, cold-blooded killer. Planning is what separates kick-ass form convict. When planning make sure you have covered everything, learned all you can about your proposed Unfortunate, their routine, when they wake, when they sleep. Planning will make easier to corner your target, and make for a killer murder.

STEP 2: LOCATION

“ Location, Location, Location”. This applies also to murder. Finding the right location for your dramatic scene is important when carrying out the liquidation of someones life. Why not do it in my own home, you ask? 1. Its way to obvious. 2. Who wants to spend hours covering their whole house in plastic? No one, also blood is a hell of a pain to get out of the carpet. The right location makes it harder for the police to link evidence to you. It can also make step 4 so much easier. And if you have chosen location with a majestic view, it can make for a pleasant evening of homicide.

STEP 3: ACTION

Now the fun part, cold bloody murder, YAY! The boring stuff is out of the way and now its time to actually commit your murder. This step is were you get to be as creative as you want, so have fun with it. Just remember the cleaner the kill the less you have to clean up and deal with. How you want to end the life of your victim is completely up to you though. You may go for the classic stabbing, or shooting. Maybe a brutal drowning, or you can burn your victim alive, that’s always fun. The fabulous thing about the human body is that there is an endless amount of possibilities when it comes to taking a life. Here’s a tip for those who are really creative and smart; Make it look like an accident or a suicide and then the blame is taken completely off you. Or you could just kill your victim softly with your song.

STEP 4: DISPOSAL

Now I’m not going lie the art of murder is not all fun and games. This step is kinda a big deal when it comes to committing murder and getting away with it. If you don’t dispose of your damning evidence, you’ll be up a creek with out a paddle. Now if you were smart with STEP 2, and have chosen some form of desolate location, you just set the whole thing up in flames, destroying your evidence with it. And, if done on the right date, can be a fun way to celebrate the fourth of July. But if you don’t have this option then you’ll have to get rid of all the evidence linking you to the murder, including your weapon of choice, and the body of your unfortunate. Here’s a tip, try dissolving everything in acid, warning though if you’re a little squeamish, this does involve hacking up the body, so not for the feint hearted. If you’re really experimental you could try consuming your body, which has proven to be a great way to save on groceries.

STEP 5: LOOSE ENDS

This step is simple, if any nosey parkers have found out about your murder, or know about it, you have to kill them also and repeat steps 1-4. Remember, dead men tell no tales.

STEP 6: ALIBI

Your almost home free amigo, you have just one more niggling thing to deal with. The fine gentlemen of your local police department, who up hold that thing called the law (which is more like guidelines than anything else). If you have done everything properly you may not even have to worry about this step. But if the police do come remember this “Damn Popo aint got nothin’ on you.” Unless they have motive and opportunity, which they will not have, if you follow the steps then they can’t pin you with anything. Deny everything and come up with some sort of plausible alibi and you’ll be laughing.

STEP 7: ESCAPE

Congratulations, you have now committed the perfect murder. The smartest thing to do now is not to stick around. Find some nice holiday spot where you can wait until heat dies down, maybe Mexico or Canada, anywhere very very far away. Once everything has calmed down you can return to Normal life.

STEP 8: CAPTURE

If you’ve reached this step then all has gone horribly wrong and you have been arrested on charges of murder. All you can do now is hire a super expensive attorney who can use his dark magic powers to get you declared not guilty, or purchase the pamphlet HOW TO ESCAPE FROM PRISON AND NOT GET CAUGHT.